Fight for my insanity

This blog feels a long time coming. Only last week I was having trouble sleeping, because my brain was trying to blog while my body was trying to sleep. I couldn’t stop myself from ranting in my sleep which was not conducive to sleep. So what was it that was keeping me from rest? It might be easier to mention what wasn’t keeping me from sleep, but I will endeavour to enlighten you. And by you, I’m fairly certain I’m blogging to Jess, Steve and possibly Tim…So here we go kids…off to crazy town!

So it all pretty much started with getting sick on the smelly Virgin Blue flight over the Perth. Now hopefully they won’t sue me for defamation, but the last time I flew to Perth it was on QANTAS so my research seems untainted. Perth was great! As it was the first time! Got to hang out with Jess and Tim and well Liz was there and things seemed fine til the last day when she went a little mental and defensive at me, but hey watevs and we held hands and were friends again in Sydney. We’re pretty great like that. I mean we have very different ideas and ways of going about pretty much everything, but we rock.

So, getting back on track, I was sick. I had one week of freedom left before going back to uni and I spent it at home sick. I had meant to go along to O-week, purely for the free stuff and to hopefully meet up with my friends but it just didn’t happen. Now while this sounds bad, I spent most of my days sleeping and watchin cool tv shows online. I got to catch up on a bunch of stuff I hadn’t had time to watch, check out some new stuff I wasn’t sure I’d like and what better way to do it than without ads! A lot of this information is in my previous blog, but what it doesn’t mention is the fact that while I’m ‘well’, I still have almost constant sinus and ear pain and it may or may not be linked to my wisdom teeth as they hurt to poke and my jaw hurts to open. This makes all forms of concentration and sleeping to be generally hit and miss. Even the pain killers don’t do much for the pain, they just make me sleepy! Anyway, it’s all context to the greater fight for my insanity!

So uni starts and the first week is all, this is what we’re doing next semester and this is how this semester 1 should tie in and this class isn’t on this week so go home early. There was even one day there where the timetable said the class was on, but it wasn’t, so a 9-12 day became a 10am finish. That whole 2 hours was bitchin! Now it is week 4 and I have handed in (online submitted as you do nowdays) one assignment, have run 1 class participation activity and am working towards my second assignment which is due on Monday. Of course I have just started it today, but depending on who you talk to that is either pretty standard, or really organised! The assignments don’t seem too awful and there is only one proper group work assignment and as yet we have not been placed into groups so there is hope for us yet. I sort of know who I’d like to work with, but whether there will be any choosing is another matter. So that is a rant for another day.

Now you might be saying to yourself, uni doesn’t seem like it’s too bad, what is with all the ranting and stressing? Here is the skinny. In my first class for week 2 we had these readings to do and some videos to watch. This was fine. Me being the diligent student I am got my readers (x2) and text books (x3) in the first week so I’d be up to date and I watched the videos at home. One of them was great. It was only 4mins long and had a lot of really interesting stuff to say. Go BBC! Considering those 4 minutes included a visually stimulating presentation by an old guy with a pretty cool accent and incorporated upwards of 100,000 stats, it was great. Even the fact that it was my 3^rd time seeing it wasn’t too horrible. Then there was this second video which was a guy reading a submission he and a lecturer from my uni had done at the International Federation of Social Workers about poverty. It has some great points in it, even if it was pretty much a summary of one of the readings. I watched it at home, even started again part way through when I realised I should take notes and I did. I took wonderful notes! However, when I got to that week 2 class and the second half of the 2hr lecture, in the stuffy room with no ventilation, with uncomfortable seats, was this video lecture thing of a guy reading from his paper while dot points flashed beside him, I was less than impressed. Now I could have got up and left. But I cringe and judge when I see other people do it, so I tend not to myself. If I’m going to skip class, I’m more likely to not show up at all! So I sat through it for the 2.5^th time and played with something on my lap top.

The next thing to bug me is the weather. Not in general, just at uni. I mean why can’t it stay consistent for one whole day? Why is it that when Sunrise tells me that it’s going to be raining and 21 in the city, can’t the Camperdown campus just play along? Don’t get me wrong, I hate it when it rains at uni. Not only do I have to pack an umbrella in my already over-packed bag, but my shoes are usually not puddle-proof, my clothes get uncomfortable when wet, especially with my heavy bag rubbing everywhere it touches and it’s usually not as cold as the tv tells me, so it ends up feeling humid too! If I was at home with my kittens, no matter what the weather was like, I’d be frolicking like crazy and I’d enjoy all these things because I could sit there with some delicious (maybe alcoholic) beverage and be happy. But when I’m at uni, the weather is the suck! I either dress for the coolness of the morning and end up lugging around a cardigan and feeling sweaty and gross, or I’m shivering in a tutorial room that is set to arctic or I’m wet and frustrated and would rather be at home. I mean who made a degree where you pretty much have to do face to face classes anyway! You’d think it was going to be part of the job or something.

Now it seems kind of petty to be so annoyed by the weather, but it really affects me. As do arrogant, pushy, insensitive people who never seem to be finished saying whatever it is they feel like say, in every single lecture and tutorial! If only the lottery was as consistent as these rather odd abrasive people, there’d be no poverty! Yep, you heard it here first. To solve poverty, get rid of all the douche bags! Then there is the people, not just those in my course, but also the ones who are constantly handing out flyers, or bugging me when I’m sitting chatting with my friends, or are blocking my way on the footpath. Now I can’t go on about that, but SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! LEARN TO WALK!!!! Then there’s the fact that I get home from uni, exhausted both mentally and physically and all I want to do is sleep, but I will clean the kitchen so I can justify watching something on tv. I also have to clean it so I can actually cook dinner, but then it gets messy again. What is with that? I say we need some replicator technology (Star Trek not Stargate for those playing at home) and do away with mess and washing up and just go synthetic.

Then there is the fact that we seem to be out most nights of the week and busy all weekend. Like from today, I’m visiting friends this afternoon and staying for dinner so no studying. Tomorrow I have work, so I may squeeze in some study, but I’m going to the gym at lunch time and I should be doing work during work time, as nice as it would be to get paid for study. Tomorrow night is free, but given how tired I am, likely to be unproductive. Saturday I have to vote, then we’re visiting a friend of Steve’s for most of the day and if I haven’t already (on Friday night) I need to bake for Sunday as I offered to for Mel and Alistair’s engagement party. So small chances of study, plus if we do earth hour, I’m sure that using my laptop on battery is cheating. Sunday is church in the morning, break for lunch, but Liz is back from Europe so she will be my focus, then engagement party from 2 and then hockey umpiring from 4:30. In there somewhere may be lunch or dinner with Liz as a welcome home kinda thing. My one blessing is that class doesn’t start until 12 on Monday and my assignment can be submitted online until 5pm.

On top of all of these many and wondrous things, is the fact that as of 2 weeks ago today, the generations in my family became one less. My great grandmother, Vera Janet Elsie O’Donnell passed away at the age of 89. She was a fire cracker until she got dementia and Alzheimer’s disease and then she started to forget and she got angry. The last time I saw her was in 2006 but I have nice memories. So last week was her funeral on the Gold Coast. It was to be on a Wednesday (uni day) but my parents were flying up Tuesday night so they could meet up with a friend they’d seen at Tangalooma a few months earlier. I was encouraged by mum and Steve to go up with them so I didn’t have any transport issues, so I did. I caught the train to work, didn’t take a lunch break and got picked up by the ‘rents at 3:30. That is when the crap started, but I’ll come back to this part of the story. The funeral was held on Wednesday at 12:30 and most of my side of the family was there (my mum’s dad’s side – he has 2 siblings). None of the partners of the great grandchildren could make it and only one great great grandchild was there. She is 5 months old. But there we were…5 generations in the one room. Living all over the east coast of Australia and coming together to celebrate and mourn the life of my Nan. The funeral was a very sad time. The afternoon tea wake was nice. Someone had brought my Nans photo album and it was so nice to see the memories she held dear. Going to the rsl afterwards with just my immediate cousins, aunts, uncles, my grandma and pop and his sister was great. With the family together in a way that only happens during great happiness and tragedy. We had a few hours to spend there before heading back to Sydney. I walked in the door at 10pm and went straight to sleep.

Now this whole experience was quite tiresome for me. Emotionally I was struggling with my grief and loss. This is to be expected. What I didn’t expect was that almost none of my close friends (whom I go to church with and who would have received an email from my mum asking for prayer), said much of anything to me. Now I can understand that death is something people aren’t really comfortable about, but it’s not like by saying something they’re likely to make me feel sad. I’m already sad and all I was is some comforting words from people who are supposed to care. I had one email, which I responded to but had no further contact, an sms which turned into a phone call which is now girl time and dinner, an sms which ended in “At least you knew her” and an “I’m sorry to hear about your nan, but at least you knew her.” Steve put an ambiguous post on facebook, “Is praying for Sarah,” but only one person contacted me directly and one mentioned that they knew what he was talking about (I should add here that we then saw this person last weekend in Armidale and they were lovely about it, but they live in Armidale and were capable of saying something!). Now I should also mention that including the Armidale comments, half the people who bothered to say ANYTHING to me don’t even live in Sydney! One from QLD (Fiona, who messaged me) and one from WA (you know who you are). This is not conducive to mental stability! Oh and the real icing on the cake is that Stef, my wonderful new friend from uni, messaged me on the day wishing everything would go well. I’ve known him for 4 weeks!

Friends aside, this time in Queensland also meant some rather close time with my dad. This man is an arrogant, selfish, aggressive, rude, nasty, embarrassing, disgusting, outburst prone, did I mention arrogant, person who has no respect for other people, whose entire world revolves around him, who is obsessed with controlling everyone around him, who treats other people like they don’t matter and are not good enough, who pushed one daughter so far away she doesn’t want him to walk her down the isle and is so close to pushing the other one away for good, because she feels like he is toxic to both her sanity and her desire to live as a Christian. Now to some, it might not be obvious as to why being a Christian has anything to do with it and should I be forgiving him etc etc but the truth is it’s not about forgiveness. Since being married I have had 3 large fights/disagreements with him due to behaviour I perceived as being out of line or inappropriate. So far we have sat down and had 2 big chats to try and resolve things. Generally it has revolved around hockey stuff and the way he speaks to players like they are inferior and stupid (so this year he’s quit) but I have also tried to bring closure on other things which I have usually turned a blind eye to and held my tongue. The problem is, I come to him and try and work things out. He sits and lets me talk, sometimes making excuses or saying he doesn’t remember such and such an incident, but he never says anything about changing, or that he’s wrong or that he’s sorry he’s hurt my feelings or embarrassed me, because the whole world revolves around him and he’s fine with being a grumpy, fat old jerk. Now that I’ve had my judgemental rant, I can explain the Christian thing. When I became a Christian, when I put my faith and my life in the hands of something greater than myself, I changed. I stopped swearing (although it was and still can be a struggle), my demeanour changed, my priorities changed and I feel like I became a better person in that I am happier and I feel like I am better to my friends. So spending even 24hrs with a toxic and poisonous person like my dad is draining and doesn’t feel worth it. Even when he doesn’t ‘wrong’ me, he does so in a way that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and makes me wish I was anywhere but there. I can’t keep turning a blind eye to his behaviour as that also wouldn’t be the Christian thing to do, but how can I confront him without wanting to slap him silly and just make him change. He has to want to change and if he doesn’t, what do I do? I can keep ignoring him, but that will put more strain on him and mum, but even then, he’s horrible to her and treats her like crap, so it’s a struggle to care, except to know that he can sometimes make her happy.

Well I shall leave my conundrum there. Under this cool and calm exterior is someone who is struggling to know what to do. I wish the answer was run away to Perth, but even then Jess and Tim will be back in Sydney eventually and Perth won’t be as great then. How do I tell my friends that they’re so self-involved that they couldn’t even offer one word of comfort when I needed it most? How do I finish my degree when every day is a struggle, both physically, mentally and psychologically!

Thanks for reading and well done for getting through it. I think this is the second longest piece of writing I’ve ever done. The longest being an SG1 fanfiction. Sam and Jack forever!

Also, dorks rule J

Love Hate Relationship

I'm sure it is the same for many students, but I'm finding a rather volatile love/hate relationship with university. It is always hard to get back into studying after a break. Even a week off can stuff up the zone I feel myself in after even just a few weeks of grueling lectures, tutorials and assignments. So this week has been my first of 3rd year social work. Mostly it has seemed a bit of a waste of time as the timetable I was given was wrong, the rooms I'm in are of course not sufficiently sized to actually fit the number of students who are supposed to attend and the few lectures/tutorials I did have this week were generally waffling on about Field Education 1 (also known as prac in second semester) or what is to come in semester 1 and 'try not to panic about the workload' being repeated.

As a week at uni goes, starting at midday on Monday was pretty awesome even with 2x 2hrs of class with a 1hr break, Wednesday I'm supposed to have a 3hr tutorial which was replaced with a 1.5hr library class. This meant that my normal 2hr break turned into a 3.5hr break! Initially I had many noble ideas about setting up the free uni internet access on my laptop, purchasing my textbooks, picking up my readers and even doing some of my readings...instead I went and saw a movie! I was sitting in Manning doing the stupid internet things which was slow and painful and seemingly not worth it...but then, my friend Marissa, who possibly wasn't feeling quite so motivated, made a joke about seeing a movie. Now it just so happens that there is a Hoyts at Broadway shopping centre and there was a few sessions starting at 11:30 which gave us 10mins to get there for the start of the previews. Free uni internet, you were totally worth it! We did hoof it over there only to sit sweating through a further 15mins of previews and ads, but with 30mins to get back for a 2hr class made the day much more bearable. Thursday's are only 3hrs at uni normally, with a lecture first thing followed by a 2hr tutorial. Initially the timetable said no lecture and a tutorial, but it turns out I had a 1hr lecture and got to go home.

Overall you'd probably say that was a pretty good week...a few other highlights include seeing what I can only assume would be pure arts student...slightly baggy overalls and a clean paintbrush holding up her hair. It made me smile at the wonderful uniqueness and freedom of expression at uni. This was unfortunately ruined by being told that to gt access to free uni internet I had to pay a $0.02 fine on my account. Now apparently this account is related to computer access where you get 6MB free per day on computers outside the libraries. This account also controls your ability to print from these computers. How on earth I can incur a $0.02 fine with no money in there to start with baffled even the IT nerd. To pay this fine, had to be done by credit card, either online or at the IT centre with a minimum of $10 needing to be paid. Now I find myself lacking in confidence when the guy who is supposed to be explaining the issue to me also seems baffled but I paid my $10, which of course became $9.98. Completely ruined my morning...grrrr

This week I also made a new friend. His name is Stefan (Stef) and he did a communications degree at UTS and has transferred to the degree all brand new this year. He walked up to one of my other friends on Monday and said "Hi. This is my first day and I noticed you in the lecture. Want to be friends?" Not a shy kind of guy, but used to not having classes with many of the same people from his old course. Turns out he and I have a tutorial together and then sat together in our lecture yesterday. He thinks my husband is cute (as per one of our wedding photos that is my desktop background), we walked to Central station madly chatting away and I think I've made a new friend...a new gay friend. He seems lovely and I am just glad that uni is not the cold lonely place it was for the first few weeks of 1st semester last year as I do not have the courage to just walk up to people like Stef did.

I'm certain the hate rating of uni will go up with the large number of group activities to come, plus a video 'interview' and then report on our video and not to mention several in class mini exams and a few nasty looking essays. But such is life and I should be thankful for my extended and privileged education. I am also thankful for weekends, no assignments yet and celebrating friends babies this weekend. Happy days :)